Stop Second Guessing — Become the Hero
I am always second-guessing my decisions. My brain boomerangs back and forth between choices: do I want what’s behind door number one, or door number two? I am always convinced I choose poorly…afraid I am just settling with the safer option. Is it a confidence issue, competence issue, or something even deeper? When I think of children’s stories, there is typically a handsome prince who saves the damsel in distress. These stories condition us to expect a positive-take-charge-hero who will save the day, rather than encouraging us to swallow our fear and become the hero. Our expectations create congruence between the narratives we were raised with and our ability to act, which creates delay and doubt.
Two factors contribute to self-doubt: Information and Self-confidence.
Access to reliable information sources is complicated by fake news and information overload. Our digitally-driven culture provides unrestricted access to a wealth of opinions and options, but our ability to discern the authenticity or accuracy of the information is limited. For prior generations, libraries provided an authoritative source. But today news is so easily manipulated and the internet provides limitless sources. We cannot review and process all the relevant information, making it impossible to know the ‘right’ choice, and creating doubt.
Since there is no ‘right choice’ reducing self-doubt requires increasing confidence. Belief in your abilities adds credibility to your judgment, whereas wondering if you missed something increases doubt. But it’s not that simple. There is a gender component to confidence, which can cause men to rate their abilities 30% higher than they are [while women tend to undervalue themselves]. This overestimation is called honest overconfidence because the responder genuinely believes in their inflated abilities, and this makes them extremely self-confident, whereas women fall victim to the impostor syndrome, casting doubt on their abilities.
Regardless of how confident you feel inside, you can reduce doubting your decisions by realizing that what you are offering are your best guesses. Don’t let the pressure to choose correctly inhibit your decision making. Your decisions do not have to be perfect or stand the test of time. Move forward with confidence by realizing:
1. There is no one right choice — focus on your logic and the information used to make your decision. At work, present the pros and cons, along with your recommendation.
2. Don’t miss opportunities by overthinking. Not acting is also a choice.
3. Match the time you devote to choosing with the importance of the decision. Obviously, buying a house should take longer than selecting shoes.
4. You can change your mind (both at work and at home) without fear of backlash or loss of reputation.
Internally review your choice, consider other points of view and validate your information. Engage your colleagues, or family, getting external opinions reduces the chance that your decision was based on false or incomplete information. I find that the simple act of explaining my decision increases my self-confidence. Listening to myself increases my confidence, especially when I discuss my plans because my excitement and passion come across. My positivity overshadows any doubt, in myself, and others. Make your choice, then present it in a bright and positive light.
The decision I question most often is related to selecting my career path. To my surprise, the colleagues I held in high esteem and hoped to follow in their footsteps became my advisors. Over time our roles changed and I went from protégée to peer. They are my strongest supporters and a source of inspiration.
So, what are you afraid of when deciding? Is it fear of failure, of disappointing someone else, or making the wrong decision and facing negative consequences or ridicule?
External Approval Not Required: I’ve found that the only one I need to please is myself, but I am my own harshest critic. Bringing in my external support system provides perspective. I discovered that unless I share my fears or concerns, they are not apparent to an outside observer.
Preparation Reduces Risk: Take time to think over your decision, creating logs to capture, quantify, and assess any risks or assumptions you made during the decision-making process. Ask yourself ‘what’s the worst thing that can happen?’ and develop remediation plans. By being proactive, and anticipating outcomes you are not stepping into the unknown.
Confidence, like risk-taking, is a learned behavior, an adaptation to the culture. The first person you need to convince is yourself. Having a process to evaluate risk, capture assumptions, and document sources all can help reduce doubt. Chalking up positive outcomes can build a track record and reputation. But the hardest thing to change is how your assessment of yourself — you may need to rewrite the narratives you were raised with or re-set expectations you set for yourself. Each situation is different, and accommodating change is not easy.
Acting without looking back is easier for some than others. But it is normal. We all experience self-doubt sometimes, especially during times of uncertainty. The trick is finding ways to keep it in check. Embrace your self-doubt — acknowledge that it’s there, build a support system and trust their advice. Visualize the outcome, and don’t be afraid to change direction. Act with confidence, celebrating your successes along the way, and try to enjoy the journey.
